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How to tell if your
Holiday Party is a Success!

- Festivity Level One -

Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.

- Festivity Level Two -

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."

- Festivity Level Three -

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction".

- Festivity Level Four -

Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The lights have been wrapped around the first person to pass out, the angel cocked at a rakish angle on his head.
The phone is in the fish tank, ringing.
The piano is missing, along with most of the other furniture.
[all to feed the bonfire in the front yard.]


 Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.

 Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."

 You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"

 Police: "No, sir, not drugs."

 You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"

 Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."

 You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs here, heh heh."

 [An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

 You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"

 Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Canada."

 [At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various Druid symbols, roars out of the living room, past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]

 You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."


Now That's a Party!!

Happy Holidays!!

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Rich Cavanaugh
Fun D Mental.com

Gladwin, MI


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