Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
Q: Why do men break wind more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
The most effective way to remember your
wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on
Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds:
"Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Women will never be equal to men until they
can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are beautiful.