Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote
in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled
by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Yep, they live in New York, and drive Taxies!
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam, and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children,
Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
Yes you are!
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread made without
any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the ten commandments. He died before he ever
Probably from all the cyanide.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without
them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had
myths. A myth is a female moth.
Thank you Greece, for History!
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his
career suffered a dramatic decline.
An overdose of wedlock? That's enough to kill any man!
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
What, No Donuts?
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he
gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
At least he died happy!
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through
an apple while standing on his son's head.
Must have been a strong boy!
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was
a success. When she exposed herself before her troops
they all shouted, "hurrah."
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh
is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and
started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100 foot clipper.
One word, Ouch!!
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in
Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
I bet it was his first wish too!
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
That was Not a happy marriage!
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from
the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared,
"A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Wow, Ben Franklin was a nut!
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which
he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves
by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of
April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
These days, Booth could be a Rap Star!
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world
and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and
half English. He was very large.
That was kind of mean to the poor spinster, don't you think?
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died for this.
I bet he stopped writing music shortly after that too.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote
the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
I wasn't aware that we needed a cure for Rabbi's!
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
And if you've ever had an error in your anal, you know how painful that can be!