The Top 15 Things on Santa's To-Do List! 15. Time to move little Miss Britney Spears to the "Naughty" list. 14. Have the elves increase production on those cheesy Playstation 3 knock-offs. 13. Cancel wrapping paper order -- use those Enron stock certificates instead. 12. Decide how to respond to Bush's subpoena demanding information on what foreigners are naughty or nice. 11. Administer nine little Breathalyzer tests. 10. File a flight plan with the FAA -- wouldn't want an F-16 wasting the sleigh. 9. Irradiate all those letters from children -- you can't be too careful! 8. Remove candy canes from pants pockets during mall photo sessions -- getting tired of explaining things to the D.A.'s office. 7. Write letter to self asking for threesome with Mrs. Claus and Heidi Klum. 6. Feed the reindeer some beano before the long ride (or get a gas mask). 5. Attend weekly meeting at Nogaholics Anonymous. 4. Touch up the urine-proof lamination job on the the thighs before heading to the mall. 3. Visit reindeer stalls to load up on stocking stuffers for a certain Mr. bin Laden. 2. Prepare a big lump of coal with Michael Jackson's name on it. and the Number 1 Thing on Santa's To-Do List... 1. Write back to Susie Winfield of Peoria; ask her how on God's green earth she thinks a whole pony is going to fit down a friggin' chimney!