We all wrote letters to Santa as kids. Ever wonder what it would be like if Santa personally responded to every letter he got? It would probably go something like this...
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
**********
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling! You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about if I send you a book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love,
Teddy
**********
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid Mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give
up that dream. Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Percy
**********
Dear Percy,
Who names their kid Percy, nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
**********
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me
a bottle of Beer, and some Nachos.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
**********
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted
to know!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
**********
Timmy,
That whiney-ass begging may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater and Liking it!!
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky
**********
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself Marky, that's why you're getting
your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent project. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
**********
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Merry Christmas!
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