We all wrote letters to Santa as kids. Ever wonder what it would be like if Santa personally responded to every letter he got?
It would probably go something like this...
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
Nice spelling! You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about if I send you a book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid Mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give
up that dream. Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid Percy, nowadays? I bet you're gay.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me
a bottle of Beer, and some Nachos.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney-ass begging may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater and Liking it!!
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
First, stop calling yourself Marky, that's why you're getting
your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent project. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?