Last night I lay in bed, looking up
at the stars in the sky,
and I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the ceiling?"
I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I don't suffer from stress.
I am a carrier.
Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away And you have their shoes!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20
and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
Tell me what you need,
and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
My reality check bounced.
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
If it wasn't for the last minute,
nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do,
walk fast and look worried.
I don't have an attitude problem,
you have a perception problem.
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level,
then beat you with experience.
It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.
If you tell the truth,
you don't have to remember anything.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon,
and some days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If they aren't there the first time,
chances are you won't be needing them again.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either;
In fact, just leave me the heck alone!
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your mouth is moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
And Last but, Not Least!
Always remember you're unique,
just like everyone else!