YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF...
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished
if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as
"my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
You've ever uttered the phrase,
"Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny,
but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street
because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You use any of these terms to describe your wife:
Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish
as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You argue that you need 300 handguns,
in case a bear ever attacks your home.
You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You've ever called education a luxury.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the "liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase,
"Well, tradition dictates...."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch
"lives in a trash can because he is lazy and
doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts
a bunch of pornographers.
And Finally, You might be a Republican if...
You want to vote for This Guy!