Are you considering having
children? To determine
whether you are truly prepared
for the experience,
we suggest you take this set of
simple tests...
MESS
TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and
curtains. Now
rub your hands in the wet flower bed
and rub on the
walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it
there all summer.
TOY
TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If
Legos are not
available, you may use roofing tacks or
broken bottles).
Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on
a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream (this could wake a
child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or
two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep
them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or
damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large,
unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large
plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend
from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the
jug
swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
cereal
(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the
jug while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT
TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth
bag and fill it with
8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it
thoroughly in water. At
8PM begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9PM. Lay
down your bag and set
your alarm for 10PM. Get up, pick
up your bag, and
sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a
dozen more and sing these too until 4AM.
Set alarm
for 5AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this
up for
five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a
large beanbag chair and attach it to the front
of
your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
remove
10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the
nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed
to the
nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange
for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the
store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read
it
quietly for the last time.
FINAL
ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have
a small child. Lecture them
on how they can improve
their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet
training, and child's table manners. Suggest many
ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never
allow their children to run riot. Enjoy
this experience. It
will be the last time you will
have all the answers.
