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Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you are delusional,
press 7 and your call
will be transferred to the mother ship.


If you have multiple personalities,
press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are schizophrenic,
listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are paranoid,
we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.


If you are a manic-depressive,
it doesn't matter which number you press
no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic,
press 6996669999669.

If you have a nervous disorder,
please fidget with the hash key until
a representative comes on the line.


If you have amnesia
press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number
and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder,
slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder,
please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep.
Or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.


If you have low self esteem,
please hang up.
All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.




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Rich Cavanaugh
Fun D Mental.com

Gladwin, MI

USA




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