As Herman was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I95. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
"My mind not only wanders. Sometimes it leaves completely."
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces?" The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
Warning! - NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she’ll be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn’t seem to notice him. Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you."
An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in California. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow. Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope". She replies. IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!" To which Margaret replies, "YA SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT!"
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
"Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..."
A ninety-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we make love, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live!!"