Nodding and looking at your watch would be
deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Any fake phone number a girl gave you
would automatically
forward your call to her real number.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier.
A smack to the butt and
a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time"
would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of
people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of
the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night"
would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd
jump out your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and
right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put
on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for
violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th
so it
would only occur in leap years.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow,
you'd get the
day off to go drinking.
Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live,
and you could phone in
advice to the pursuing cops.
Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards
per year.
Telephones would automatically cut off after
30 seconds of
conversation.
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "Budweiser."
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long
as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
