Headlines, Short sentences that are supposed to tell all about the story. Problem is, sometimes in an effort to keep the message brief, it doesn't always make sense. 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Do ya think? 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Isn't that kind of harsh? 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted I remember a few who should've been! 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Tight Fit! 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Payback? 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House Did he suffer? 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms I'd Pay to see that! 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? I'm not touching that one! 9. Stud Tires Out Poor guy. 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Really? 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over I wouldn't pay to see That! 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Keep trying! 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands That was nice of 'em! 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms How do you tell between Woman mushrooms, and Man mushrooms? 15. Eye Drops off Shelf Ouch! 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids They probably deserved it. 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 'Nuff Said! 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim I'd pay to see that too! 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 But why did he shoot off her leg? 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe I'd Really pay to see that! 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told That is one possibility. 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death I suppose they'll want to be buried next. 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Wonder how many times they'll try it? 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree Thats a pretty smart tree! 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Did it have any last words? 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter "It was a Really long line" Said one! 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Wow, he was really bad to kill him twice! 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One Share the wealth! 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 Where do you sign up for that job? 30. War Dims Hope for Peace Do ya think? 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While A brilliant grasp of the Obvious! 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures I guess we just need more temperatures. 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Sure it wasn't Natural Causes? 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge You won't catch me driving on it! 35. Deer Kill 17,000 Who's been arming the deer? 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Weren't they already?. 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge SHOCKING! (Sorry, I just had to!) 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Look inside any Krispy Kreme! 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Who's bright idea was it to feed astronauts Burritos anyway? 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks They certainly do! 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Somebody's eatin' good tonight! 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire Poetic Justice. 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Sure, pick on the little people. 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood And just what were they selling them? 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Careful how you land! 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Tough attendance policy! 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Not a very good tradeoff. 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing What can I say? 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing About Time! 50. Air Head Fired Couldn't they just say Blonde? 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time Bad Pun! 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff I don't want to know about his love life! 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Wouldn't new pillars work better? 54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Anyone have a crowbar? 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors How many 7 Foot doctors are there? 56. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training I'm not really surprised! 57. Include your Children When Baking Cookies We already know they make a nutritious snack! (see #40) 58. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction One word. Gross!!