In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here
are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(I guess it's okay to rip 'em open for free!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(As opposed to Irregular Soap?)
On a Swanson frozen dinner:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(They usually taste better that way!)
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(What if you want to shower with a friend?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
(How are you supposed to read it?)
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
(It would make things faster though!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
(It tends to get that way!)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
(Yeah, kids driving on dope. Not a good combination!)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(Gee, I wanted to Eat 'em!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
(Unless they're doped up, and Driving!)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
(I'm not sure I want to know what "Other Uses" there are!)
On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
(I'm no doctor, but isn't that the whole idea?)
On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
(Warning! Air contains Oxygen!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(If you're this dumb, Stay Home!)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
(Of course, you'll only do it Once!!)
On ice machine in Sands Hotel lobby:
Keep frozen or ice will turn to water.
(Thank you Mr. Wizard!)
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Or you'll wake up looking like this!)