Get even with a bear who raided your food stash
by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.
A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
Steer clear of those named for landfills.
The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat,
should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device
used by Tibetan veterinarians.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable
campers to stay dry in a downpour.
Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however,
have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
You'll never be lost if you remember that
moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll
by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt.
It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years,
the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded.
Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping.
Shine a flashlight into one ear.
If the beam shines out the other ear,
do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men
or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness
by shooting small game with a slingshot made from
the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations.
The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation
on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
When using a public campground,
a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites
on either side vacant.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite
makes excellent kindling.
In an emergency,
a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.